homes

this couch
this knife
this life

is it the fiction or the fluoresence that keeps me here?

almost forgot!

the toy soldier formation
my irrational fear of the explosion/implosion of shreveport la
I THINK THATS IT

send me an angel send me an angel

She sat down to eat the black rice… next to the box of honey-nut cheerios. She sang “while I’m gone away, would you stay, would you stay”. Then the doors closed and the walls closed and the floors they rose to the ceiling.
Why did I ever think that words could be reserved?

And if I was maybe still alive or intact
would I even know?
Would it even matter?
Because I wouldn’t want to be either of those things if this was never real at all.

The oldest one told me it was unusual to think the way I think.

But besides that, it’s sort of refreshing and discomforting at the same time.

Let me breathe and let me hear this song without picturing your ruins, please. Because then it’s over.
IT HAS BEGUN

swallowed by a whale

stimulus.
a trade: an empty cave
my eyes are wide and no, they will not close.

communicate.

"i don't own any albums
i don't know anything
i don't go to college anymore
i've got my hands on the one hand
but i don't know where to put them
but on the other hand
i don't know if i'll talk my way out of this one tonight"

do i know anyone?

hello, i'm fully aware of your presence!

"And I reach my hands underneath the faucet, turned clockwise to its end, and I hold my dirty hands under for a drip."

and i was all fine.

isn't everything strange all the time? it's so beautiful to be alive.

so deep and meaningful all the time"

today what a perfect night to read through old online-journals/**bLoGzZz**
here are some highlights.
you might enjoy.

"Also the people at Taco Bell put meat on my taco and then scraped it off, leaving the few remaining crumbs of beef that completely ruined my taco and my life.

Also I am wasting my time at college because I dont have a major and I hate everything

Also I watched the beginning of Final destination 2 today which made me scared to drive anywhere this whole day.. because I was afraid of a flaming truck speeding towards me as I lay helpless, trapped in my tipped-over vehicele."

"1. the boy who sits by me in psychology who always asks to borrow my pen, and then doesn't even take notes, he draws elaborate, detailed pictures for the whole class. don't you think you could remember to bring a pen just one day of this whole year so you could waste your own ink?? also, what is this new trend of asking me "excuse me, what homework did we have due today?" dumbass! it might be a good idea to ask me the day before instead of the DAY OF. ugh"

"I am in a grumpy mood because my baby owl died. Actually 2 baby owls died and I'm probably sinking into a deep depression.
I hate scarlet johanson."

"I THOUGHT THEY WERE PICTURES OF ME WHEN I FIRST SAW THEM"

"Yesterday my the rapist said:

"You're not having sex? That's really weird, Lizzie!"

Thank you for making me even more insecure, YOUR JOB."

"Funny things to do at the gynecologist:

Poop in the cup instead of pee

Suggestively raise your eyebrows at the assistant

Dont shave your legs for months

Have your gynecologists name written on your inner thigh

Moan during the exam

Have 3 or more old tampons shoved up your that thing

Seductively undress

Insist on wearing only the paper vest home

OR arrive already wearing a paper vest

Eat something messy like a big sandwich during the exam"

"I was thinking today that I should get part of my tattoo removed so that it says "beaut"
I think that would be hilarious."

"Willy Wonka- a purple shirt that says something on it that has nothing to do with Willy Wonka. In fact it doesn't even have to be completely purple. Carry around a piece of candy, but don't bring your own, wait until you get one from trick or treating."

"You make me pee in my skirt at our middle school reunion.

You should come back here because I HATE YOU, WANT TO HARM YOU.

Someday I will have a wedding and you will be the ringbearer/trapeze artist/rape victim.

You = BOO.

If I saw you now I'd probably say "oh, um, hi" shyly because we aren't good at stuff like that.

I would build a prosthetic limb just for you.

I would get your name tattooed on my inside of my bottom lip, right after "fuck you".

If I could sing you any song it would be She's All I Ever Had.

We could make a video of us saying "oh, oh! OH" under the stars.

My love for you is like that of a mad butterfly that just got woken up from its cocoon.

Love,

AMPUTEE"

"Anyone who doesn't appreciate the humor of making my mittens to look like flippers is not worth my time!"


____________

that should be sufficient. things have certainly changed OR HAVE THEY
dun dun dun

that was today

it could've been anyone, really.

i spent the entire time pushing out the water and writing amazing poetry in my head.
"this factory doesn't stop for feeling"
all the poetry i write is perfect always.

i went to bonnaroo and it was amazing. i mean aMaZiNg

its something i keep unintentionally. keep us in right? i keep in hopes that someone will crawl along this beaded strand and feel the same way.

my brain responds to the power plant or the bug-zapping light.

words never come easily, though. all i do is feel.

THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
or this. this could.

"but she will come down
she already has"

TODAY
i woke up with appendicitis and renal failure (if renal means kidneys) and could barely eat breakfast because i was about to die or maybe just fall over in pain. then i was like LIZZIE THIS IS FUCKING RIDIC you probably just slept in a strange position for the 1.5 hours that you did sleep or maybe pulled a muscle you know weight-lifting since i do that all the time.
then i went to work anyway EVEN THOUGH my ankle was also swollen from a tiny ant that bit me yesterday even though I HAVE NEVER REACTED TO ANY BUG BITE IN THIS WAY BEFORE.
i immediately informed all of my coworkers of my imminent death that would occur sometime during my shift and none of them even cared because i say something along those lines at some point during about 50% of my shifts there.
I DIDN'T DIE. NO I AM NOT BLOGGING FROM THE GRAVE.
but i do have to go to work now again so i'll finish this later.... later

i don't want what you've touched

"hmm people just nonchalantly walking over the clown"

and don't forget:
my room is small and far from the ocean but i long to return
to this

but this you can forget:
the night you tried to take away the one thing that was mine. but no, its not what you're thinking.

regardless
in spite of
and that's all.

the littlest hope

you were carried in a seashell
past the broken shards
that you will never land among.
your tiny claws would grasp: you had whole form.
somehow this world could hold your heavy sand and
the water released your skin to the sun.
you were entangled before, now only free.
of dreams sunk below the sea,
the waves would bring you back to me.
today,
there is no such thing as big.


----------

"mom, you don't understand. i breathed for this guy."

oh fun

and i,
yeah i,
maybe you do, after all.

its june,

and we are all the most beautiful somehow