TODAY I FEEL :o)

"down an endless hole we'll both go"

oh dear god

i felt that and


i felt that

i fucking love:

"and I realized that then you were perfect
with my teeth ripping out of my head"

part one partners we're squares back at square one

"Will you step out from behind that brick wall"
"okay"
"Don't go"
"okay"


He doesn't look at me. He doesn't look like me.

means by mean

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.

Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”

past life, I promise

I don't know why. That word breaks my heart like no other. I was never worth the pleasure of this poison. I didn't even compare.



I do apologize. I needed to touch something alive.

forever

"I always kinda sorta wish I'm someone else"


When I was fighting to stay alive
I just wanted to curl up and die

Bukowski days

I think everything is beautiful.
It's my favorite word and
I have it tattooed on my body as
a permanent reminder.
But if you tell me I'm beautiful
I will think you are lying
or that there is something wrong with your
beautiful eyes.

HA

this should be self-explanatory:

NO TO THESE:

"the borrowers"

Today
A nostalgic turn led me to your doorstep.
My intentions were never
my intentions.
This metallic taste won’t go away, love.
So let me explain.

You.
These freshly unwrapped promises of
our broken bodies in disquise.
I was a sucker for your melody.
and
You were dying to live.
So we reached out. It was
a head-on collision
our beautiful words spun and crashed
smashed together
together I thought.
My soul would float on easy words.
I dreamt of something kept. It was beautiful
to feel beautiful
again.
And when sleep
didn’t come for me anymore, there was
my head, cradled in the device to hold my brain in place.
I was wired to forgive
But instead
I forgot.

You.
And your lowercase name.
I regret ever having left my house without my bag of tricks.
This time I was
afraid.
I saw monsters, ghosts, liars
dancing in the dark outside my small window
(the tiny square of light that was allowed to shine)
how was I to know this was an invitation to something
I wasn’t invited to?
I came around less.
Instead stayed
where I should have been hiding all along.
But when you did lead me out
my eyes were squinted tight
so I wasn’t blinded by all that you held.
This time the warning signs were bright and
yellow and
true and
I never danced with your sweet chance.

You.
You would forget to notice beautiful days.
You claimed you could hear innocence in my voice.
I was your puppet,
my walls so eagerly let down for anyone with even the faintest knock.
I was built for your eyes,
The Bully
The Beast
The Unreachable.
“It’s safer this way” but
this is never safe.
Those empty words reached too far within me, and were filled with hope.
You were my favorite
at the time
for what it’s worth.
So wounded in this dark corner, the light couldn’t reach. I could
not move.
The knives stuck out too far and would slice my skin if I tried.
And baby, I did try. Until I gave up.
And soon I Forgot.

You.
You held your candle high
when nothing like that mattered to anyone but us.
You were there
when the starving felt good
again. Held my dreams underwater where they couldn’t breathe
to stay alive. The clovers,
crushed by Our heavy backs
didn’t keep their promise either.
I never did see your eyes.
They probably weren’t
Blue.

But you.
How did our lips ever find each other?
It’s the one thing
I never forgot.

you're not made for this

this question seems to be on my mind lately:

how did THIS happen?

THIS was entirely unexpected and unwelcome, yet beautiful. And that's all it needs to be. We love this, and I love you.
the obsession of the week: bagels and mix cds, particularly a johnathan rice song.


When I'm left alone, now, lately, I feel like I'm going to die. I don't mean alone as in lonely-without love-alone. It simply happens if I'm by myself. I start wondering when my corpse will be found. I have to call my mom and she tells me it's okay.

i'm looking forward to spending time with one of my favorite people today. "But don't flatter yourself this happens all the time"

how safe it feels to feel safe

I credit breakfast food
and him
with saving my life.

___________


how did i know this was
real? when
i wished it was you

yesterday

"Yeah, I like them because they have tire soles. It reminds me of tired souls, which, let's face it, reminds me of you. I found them today. Not like I bought them today, I mean, I found them in my room. I spent a while looking for them but there wasn't a lot of places they could've been. I had lost them. I lose everything."

take me with you

there was nowhere else i would have rather been for that one moment.
and that has made this all worthwhile.

"

you hate your pulse because he still thinks you're alive


"

My heart can't feel the difference between love and sadness.

forget about the past, the future, the trust issues. this may be the biggest problem.

Well, I'm not running from anything. I'm running TO something. Yes, I've come to rely on something that isn't there.
Still what happened to the beauty that I had once found? I'll try not to destroy myself in the process of getting it back.