lights

The Jolly Christmas Postman

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in the holiday spirit

all Mimzy were the borogoves

sometimes i think i see her

but it's only an object

or a shadow

or a movement

for strangers who are searching for bon iver hollywood forever:

VLOGGGVLOGVLOG

MEOOW

and here's one thing

i plan to finish:

a 365 day project

hallelujah

perhaps if i was to choose a

worst day ever

it might be today

........

my bbygrrrl is not feeling well at all

meowww

Or I'm dreaming.

I am...

just kidding

just kidding

I had some health problems, and I died on the 16th. Just kidding...

_________________

My boyfriend is popular, I'm trying to talk to these girls but they just won't listen.

We live in the shadow.

And I am the last person to realize-

The shadow is me.

I died on the 16th. The only people who can hear and see me are dead too. Or they have special devices to hear and see me. Or I'm dreaming.

*cut to scene of people having fun on the beach*

vain unknowing

it's not a matter of the faint, my dear
it's what our eyes see that makes us weak
and what they don't that makes us think

I envy seas whereon he rides,
I envy spokes of wheels
Of chariots that him convey,
I envy speechless hills
That gaze upon his journey;
How easy all can see
What is forbidden utterly
As heaven, unto me!
I envy nests of sparrows
That dot his distant eaves,
The wealthy fly upon his pane,
The happy, happy leaves
That just abroad his window
Have summer’s leave to be,
The earrings of Pizarro
Could not obtain for me.
I envy light that wakes him,
And bells that boldly ring
To tell him it is noon abroad,—
Myself his noon could bring,
Yet interdict my blossom
And abrogate my bee,
Lest noon in everlasting night
Drop Gabriel and me.

au revoir

the wind blew me back

The City That Works

wah wah wah things aren't going my way.

BUT
i'm going to chicago tomorrow.
GURL FAMILY TIME.
i'm going to knit and shop and enjoi being away.
hopefully my days will be better when i return.

the coolest thing i've ever posted

i wasn't going to turn on my computer at all today because i've been spending way too much time lately staring at a screen of some sort....

but i had to find this:

how that guy plays every damn level with a constant star is beyond me.

hah

isn't there another way i could be spending my time?

NO, NO THERE'S NOT

OH and i had to listen to the fun..... christmas song and add movies to dacoda's and my netflix queue. i'm not too sure about the correct grammar of that sentence?? dacoda's and mine?

ps: sleep deprived and espressoed HELLO NICE TO MEET YOUU I'M GOING TO PUT MY KINKS RECORD ON NOW

oh, we all do, everybody abandoned you

brrrrmeow

the road less traveled

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

feel the sunlight

so long, love's at your fingertips
it moves, i still can't reach
touch heat, i carry you forever
breathe out, it longs to teach

look at me i'm leaning out apartment windows singing "i still miss someone"

the countdown

hearts are more fragile than i ever would have expected

the blackest of black

i'm not burning out

but burning strong, for now

i've been christmas-browsing today. mostly online. also i accidentally bought myself a beautiful dress and an ugly jester sweater.

ho ho ho
oh shit

i'm working on a 365 day project and an end-of-the-year project, sort of. remember how i never finish anything?

fade in

love iz

a big fat

turkey

and everyday

iz

thanksgiving

-bukowski

it's t-givs.

my least favorite holiday.

let's begin, again.

something good and something even better:

"and in my mind i still need a place to go

all my changes were there"

one

this time last year i was alone

but not really alone

working at starbucks and hot topic

acting and directing

and watching the best years

and getting ready to graduate

and change

and hurt

myself and others in the process

oh just some practical everyday shoes that i want

mmmmm

do not

I was never meant to understand.

This made my heart sink and it hurt my eyes

The words were reflected

And not absorbed anymore.

My eyes would

Burn

And they wouldn’t truly read, ever.

Truly is spelled T-R-U-L-Y, there is no E. and there is no I in the only words I had left.

Which were nothing, because I could not speak.

I could only analyze incorrectly. Jump to conclusions. Make irrational decisions.

I could only stare and think and try to understand.

But,

I was never meant to understand.

On the morning she was moved to the cemetery, the one where Al Jolson is buried, I enrolled in a "Fear of Flying" class. "What is your worst fear?" the instructor asked, and I answered, "That I will finish this course and still be afraid."

really awesome things that i bought/made in california that make me want to go back

romanticize/idealize/hyperbolize

ALSO>

:

Narrator:
(So apropos:
Saw death on a sunny snow)

Him:
"For every life..."

Her:
"Forego the parable."

Him:
"Seek the light."

Her:
"...My knees are cold."

(Running home, running home, running home, running home...)

Her:
"Go find another lover;
To bring a... to string along!"

"With all your lies,
You're still very lovable."

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

i love this so much.

crossed fingers

i think (HOPE) i'm going back to school for art classes in the spring and getting a second part-time job.

and maybe moving forward.

feeling accomplished, that sort of thing.

until very recently, i can't remember ever finishing anything in my life.

which is why i'm knitting a giant blanket.

so i will spend the rest of the afternoon knitting and listening to bon iver on vinyl :o)

radio gaga

i don't think i'm lucky

i think maybe once i was able to breathe

to fake a smile

to touch your skin

to open my eyes

and breathe

once i was able to breathe, i was okay

an attempt at something for something

i don't know.

my body has been killing me.

i have been sitting here staring at the screen and it keeps auto-saving drafts but there is nothing to save.

there is something inside me that needs to come out but it's not coming out through this keyboard. not now and not like this. quite unforch.

this is all literal. there is no challenge. 

truth, _____, i love you

i am

searching

and

i am 

losing

and

the nightmares start early

"as for me, all i ever learned from love

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

but its not a cry that you hear at night

its not some pilgrim who's seen the light

its a cold and its a very broken hallelujah"

single artist movie soundtracks

I just finished watching Harold and Maude and was inspired to make this list.

Best movie soundtracks by a single artist (some that were written specifically for the film, some not):

Harold and Maude, Cat Stevens

Purple Rain, Prince and the Revolution

The Graduate, Simon and Garfunkel

Once, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (this counts as a single artist since they are The Swell Season now)

I really can't think of any more. I thought this would be an easier list to make. Oops.

weight

and i ran off

and ran on to something

that i swore was everything

but beautiful

i only say that word for you

only statues

"...but i didn't want to be either one."

interests part IV

(from sometime in september)

25. mismatched animal friends

26. tavi

27. imdb-ing people i see at starbucks

28. panera bread's iced green tea

29. searching on amazon.com for weird things like gallons of milk

30. everything lady gaga says/does/wears

31. cookies like these: 

in the future, i will always live in the past

every day is day 1

i don't know,

i think that once you burn your flesh, it will hurt even if it gets a little warm again.

i have no concept of time

i have no desire for survival

inhale,

exhale,

it's all i know.

something to be

"i'm in love with a girl, you see"

november second

overwhelmed

underpressure

the season blue remains

I'm killing myself thinking, I've fallen like the leaves

some things will haunt us forever.

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always, 
as long as I'm living 
my baby you'll be."

"I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead. The song was my song to my dead babies. For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn't even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried. It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn't sing."

if i am shrinking,

everything else is growing.

i'm working on something.

i always am.

stop staring:

"give me my robe

put on my crown

i have immortal longings in me"

r e p e a t

"william plays harmonica and guitar by the side of the sidewalk

i'd love to stay and steal his melody

'cause he hasn't got an answer to force

no one cares about his voice

no, not a choice

sometimes i wish that nobody loved me"

finally

this time i really have

been gone a long time

a continuation

in my front yard

gentle giants spin in circles

and misplaced thieves are grown and

flourish among their mazes

in my front yard, there are holes

for us to fall into

but maybe the trees can reach down and pick us up, someday

in my front yard

i have found my tree

in my front yard, the somber souls can float above the grass and

we can create masterpieces with our eyes

the lives can move lazily through each other

and if one of them breaks they are made whole

when they are ready to be made whole again

in my front yard

everything is flavored and colored and bright

and there are trains to take us to our homes

and wolves to guard us from ourselves

in my front yard

we are not real

unless we are

because maybe it's better that way

______

I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE BLACK DRESSES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

chutes and ladders

my haven

does not think of me

because it can't

i made it up and

it does not exist

i do not exist there

it does not breathe outside of its own walls

for me

anymore

the open jar/

the glass vase/

the fire escape/

i do not feel safe

here's to you

and here's to me

and here's to everything being bigger

or smaller

than it seems.

"this has to be the slowest train that i have ever seen"

"why i chose to live in a cave"

"why i could never make up my mind"

"why i failed to feel"

"what i could've done differently"

"why i could slip away so easily"

"what makes this so immemorable"

movies

MOViEs ThAt i liKE BeGinnINg wItH EAch LeTTeR oF tHe AlphABEt ("the" not included)

Alice in Wonderland

Benny and Joon

Clueless

Dead Poets Society***

Edward Scissorhands

Fountain

Gerry

Hook

Iron Giant

Jurassic Park

Koyaanisqatsi

Let the Right One In

Mamma Mia

Nightmare Before Christmas

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Powder

Q - i don't think i like any movies that start with Q

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Stay

Toy Story

Umberto D

Vanilla Sky

Wedding Singer

Xanadu

Y Tu Mama Tambien

Zodiac

***which i am watching right now/inspired this list

as you can see i have superb taste in movies,

thank you for your time

criminal

weekend:

"i just watch the tail lights glowing"

iamsolucky.