oh, we all do, everybody abandoned you

brrrrmeow

the road less traveled

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

feel the sunlight

so long, love's at your fingertips
it moves, i still can't reach
touch heat, i carry you forever
breathe out, it longs to teach

look at me i'm leaning out apartment windows singing "i still miss someone"

the countdown

hearts are more fragile than i ever would have expected

the blackest of black

i'm not burning out

but burning strong, for now

i've been christmas-browsing today. mostly online. also i accidentally bought myself a beautiful dress and an ugly jester sweater.

ho ho ho
oh shit

i'm working on a 365 day project and an end-of-the-year project, sort of. remember how i never finish anything?

fade in

love iz

a big fat

turkey

and everyday

iz

thanksgiving

-bukowski

it's t-givs.

my least favorite holiday.

let's begin, again.

something good and something even better:

"and in my mind i still need a place to go

all my changes were there"

one

this time last year i was alone

but not really alone

working at starbucks and hot topic

acting and directing

and watching the best years

and getting ready to graduate

and change

and hurt

myself and others in the process

oh just some practical everyday shoes that i want

mmmmm

do not

I was never meant to understand.

This made my heart sink and it hurt my eyes

The words were reflected

And not absorbed anymore.

My eyes would

Burn

And they wouldn’t truly read, ever.

Truly is spelled T-R-U-L-Y, there is no E. and there is no I in the only words I had left.

Which were nothing, because I could not speak.

I could only analyze incorrectly. Jump to conclusions. Make irrational decisions.

I could only stare and think and try to understand.

But,

I was never meant to understand.

On the morning she was moved to the cemetery, the one where Al Jolson is buried, I enrolled in a "Fear of Flying" class. "What is your worst fear?" the instructor asked, and I answered, "That I will finish this course and still be afraid."

really awesome things that i bought/made in california that make me want to go back

romanticize/idealize/hyperbolize

ALSO>

:

Narrator:
(So apropos:
Saw death on a sunny snow)

Him:
"For every life..."

Her:
"Forego the parable."

Him:
"Seek the light."

Her:
"...My knees are cold."

(Running home, running home, running home, running home...)

Her:
"Go find another lover;
To bring a... to string along!"

"With all your lies,
You're still very lovable."

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

i love this so much.

crossed fingers

i think (HOPE) i'm going back to school for art classes in the spring and getting a second part-time job.

and maybe moving forward.

feeling accomplished, that sort of thing.

until very recently, i can't remember ever finishing anything in my life.

which is why i'm knitting a giant blanket.

so i will spend the rest of the afternoon knitting and listening to bon iver on vinyl :o)

radio gaga

i don't think i'm lucky

i think maybe once i was able to breathe

to fake a smile

to touch your skin

to open my eyes

and breathe

once i was able to breathe, i was okay

an attempt at something for something

i don't know.

my body has been killing me.

i have been sitting here staring at the screen and it keeps auto-saving drafts but there is nothing to save.

there is something inside me that needs to come out but it's not coming out through this keyboard. not now and not like this. quite unforch.

this is all literal. there is no challenge. 

truth, _____, i love you

i am

searching

and

i am 

losing

and

the nightmares start early

"as for me, all i ever learned from love

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

but its not a cry that you hear at night

its not some pilgrim who's seen the light

its a cold and its a very broken hallelujah"

single artist movie soundtracks

I just finished watching Harold and Maude and was inspired to make this list.

Best movie soundtracks by a single artist (some that were written specifically for the film, some not):

Harold and Maude, Cat Stevens

Purple Rain, Prince and the Revolution

The Graduate, Simon and Garfunkel

Once, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (this counts as a single artist since they are The Swell Season now)

I really can't think of any more. I thought this would be an easier list to make. Oops.

weight

and i ran off

and ran on to something

that i swore was everything

but beautiful

i only say that word for you

only statues

"...but i didn't want to be either one."

interests part IV

(from sometime in september)

25. mismatched animal friends

26. tavi

27. imdb-ing people i see at starbucks

28. panera bread's iced green tea

29. searching on amazon.com for weird things like gallons of milk

30. everything lady gaga says/does/wears

31. cookies like these: 

in the future, i will always live in the past

every day is day 1

i don't know,

i think that once you burn your flesh, it will hurt even if it gets a little warm again.

i have no concept of time

i have no desire for survival

inhale,

exhale,

it's all i know.

something to be

"i'm in love with a girl, you see"

november second

overwhelmed

underpressure

the season blue remains

I'm killing myself thinking, I've fallen like the leaves