sleepless nights and weightless days

seventeen magazine circa 1999

2011-03-22T14:03:00.001-05:00

just spent the afternoon writing fake traumaramas like this one:

my friends and i were playing truth or dare at a sleepover. when my turn came up, of course i chose dare! my friends dared me to go outside and flash the next person who walked by the house. being the daredevil i am, i went outside and waited. i saw two guys walking toward me, so i lifted up my top and flashed them! while my shirt was still over my head, i heard a familiar voice say "what are you DOING?" then, i lowered my shirt only to find that it was my older brother and his super-hot best friend. i was so humilated! from now on, i'm picking truth.

can't stay away from blogs 4ever, y'all

fun. what the fuck

2010-11-14T11:59:00.002-06:00

after fun. played a new song at their show in dallas a couple of weeks ago, i've been slightly obsessively watching videos of it on youtube.

here's my sort-of attempt at figuring out the lyrics.

fun "what the fuck" lyrics:

oh x infinity

surprise, surprise

*can't understand this part :o(*

but at night, you were out, i was inside

feeling sorry for myself

i drank as many bottles i could find

i broke into your room,

i tried on all your clothes,

and i read every note

what the fuck

happened to us?

what the fuck

happened to us?

we used to be something,

i can't remember just what

oh x infinity

***i'm sure the lyrics here are something spectacular but i can't understand them~~

i said "i don't mind if it takes time,

i just want to get away,

i want to take it back to all the days when we would stay in bed

i lay my head upon your lap,

i hope you never take it back"

oh oh oh

to my surprise,

well all those pages were black and white

so i said SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING

drunk and uncomfortable in here

SOMETHING. (oh shit i'm doing a bad job at figuring these out)

what the fuck

happened to us?

what the fuck

happened to us?

we used to be something,

****NOW Y'ALL THIS PART GETS GOOD/MAKES ME CRY A LITTLE***

if i could name just one thing

that's gonna haunt me

that's gonna bleed me dry

that's gonna bruise,

it'd have to be the look upon your face when i

came to pick you up,

take you away,

you just stood there in the hall,

waiting for me to call it off,

what kind of selfish piece of shit

would base a life on no regrets,

would let the only one who really understood me walk alone.

and i closed the door

i made it halfway down the hall,

something caught my eye, and i fell apart.

well there's a picture on your dresser drawer,

it doesn't even look like me,

but i swear to god when the walls went up,

i wish we could have shined forever

somethiiiing

you were beautiful, it was your birthday

and only for a night we believed in magic.

~THE BEST PART OMG OMG OMG~

do you remember when i woke you up

to tell you i love you?

do you remember when i woke you up

to tell you i l-l-l-love you?

***a variety of youtube video differences ultimately resulting in:***

i still do.

*MELTZIES guyz*

what the fuck

happened to us?

what the fuck

happened to us?

we used to be something,

i can't remember just what.

so glad i just spent 30 minutes trying to figure that out instead of doing homework~*~

i fucking love nate ruess and fun.

ALSO

i haven't used this blog in so long because of my 365 day project, but when it's over i'm contemplating using this one again, starting a new one, or just leaving the blogging community entirely.

2010

2010-01-04T16:27:00.002-06:00

i feel my eyes closing lately.

i feel ready for change.

and now

what an appropriate time!

winter

please just pack your suitcase

and go

365

lights

2009-12-26T12:01:00.000-06:00

The Jolly Christmas Postman

zero | MySpace Video

in the holiday spirit

all Mimzy were the borogoves

2009-12-26T08:45:00.003-06:00

sometimes i think i see her

but it's only an object

or a shadow

or a movement

for strangers who are searching for bon iver hollywood forever:

2009-12-25T22:02:00.003-06:00

VLOGGGVLOGVLOG

MEOOW

and here's one thing

i plan to finish:

a 365 day project

hallelujah

2009-12-19T17:39:00.002-06:00

perhaps if i was to choose a

worst day ever

it might be today

........

my bbygrrrl is not feeling well at all

meowww

Or I'm dreaming.

2009-12-12T12:54:00.002-06:00

I am...

just kidding

I had some health problems, and I died on the 16th. Just kidding...

_________________

My boyfriend is popular, I'm trying to talk to these girls but they just won't listen.

We live in the shadow.

And I am the last person to realize-

The shadow is me.

I died on the 16th. The only people who can hear and see me are dead too. Or they have special devices to hear and see me. Or I'm dreaming.

*cut to scene of people having fun on the beach*

vain unknowing

2009-12-08T20:53:00.003-06:00

it's not a matter of the faint, my dear
it's what our eyes see that makes us weak
and what they don't that makes us think

I envy seas whereon he rides,
I envy spokes of wheels
Of chariots that him convey,
I envy speechless hills

That gaze upon his journey;
How easy all can see
What is forbidden utterly
As heaven, unto me!

I envy nests of sparrows
That dot his distant eaves,
The wealthy fly upon his pane,
The happy, happy leaves

That just abroad his window
Have summer’s leave to be,
The earrings of Pizarro
Could not obtain for me.

I envy light that wakes him,
And bells that boldly ring
To tell him it is noon abroad,—
Myself his noon could bring,

Yet interdict my blossom
And abrogate my bee,
Lest noon in everlasting night
Drop Gabriel and me.

au revoir

2009-12-04T09:00:00.003-06:00

the wind blew me back

The City That Works

2009-12-03T17:26:00.004-06:00

wah wah wah things aren't going my way.

BUT
i'm going to chicago tomorrow.
GURL FAMILY TIME.
i'm going to knit and shop and enjoi being away.
hopefully my days will be better when i return.

the coolest thing i've ever posted

2009-12-01T12:25:00.003-06:00

i wasn't going to turn on my computer at all today because i've been spending way too much time lately staring at a screen of some sort....

but i had to find this:

how that guy plays every damn level with a constant star is beyond me.

hah

isn't there another way i could be spending my time?

NO, NO THERE'S NOT

OH and i had to listen to the fun..... christmas song and add movies to dacoda's and my netflix queue. i'm not too sure about the correct grammar of that sentence?? dacoda's and mine?

ps: sleep deprived and espressoed HELLO NICE TO MEET YOUU I'M GOING TO PUT MY KINKS RECORD ON NOW

oh, we all do, everybody abandoned you

2009-11-30T18:35:00.006-06:00

brrrrmeow

the road less traveled

2009-11-29T22:15:00.004-06:00

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter

it tasted sweeter
it tasted sweeter

feel the sunlight

2009-11-28T22:59:00.002-06:00

so long, love's at your fingertips
it moves, i still can't reach
touch heat, i carry you forever
breathe out, it longs to teach

look at me i'm leaning out apartment windows singing "i still miss someone"

the countdown

2009-11-27T16:38:00.003-06:00

hearts are more fragile than i ever would have expected

the blackest of black

i'm not burning out

but burning strong, for now

i've been christmas-browsing today. mostly online. also i accidentally bought myself a beautiful dress and an ugly jester sweater.

ho ho ho
oh shit

i'm working on a 365 day project and an end-of-the-year project, sort of. remember how i never finish anything?

fade in

2009-11-26T09:14:00.003-06:00

love iz

a big fat

turkey

and everyday

thanksgiving

-bukowski

it's t-givs.

my least favorite holiday.

let's begin, again.

something good and something even better:

2009-11-25T09:27:00.003-06:00

"and in my mind i still need a place to go

all my changes were there"

one

2009-11-24T10:59:00.003-06:00

this time last year i was alone

but not really alone

working at starbucks and hot topic

acting and directing

and watching the best years

and getting ready to graduate

and change

and hurt

myself and others in the process

oh just some practical everyday shoes that i want

2009-11-23T22:09:00.001-06:00

mmmmm

do not

2009-11-22T17:52:00.002-06:00

I was never meant to understand.

This made my heart sink and it hurt my eyes

The words were reflected

And not absorbed anymore.

My eyes would

Burn

And they wouldn’t truly read, ever.

Truly is spelled T-R-U-L-Y, there is no E. and there is no I in the only words I had left.

Which were nothing, because I could not speak.

I could only analyze incorrectly. Jump to conclusions. Make irrational decisions.

I could only stare and think and try to understand.

But,

I was never meant to understand.

On the morning she was moved to the cemetery, the one where Al Jolson is buried, I enrolled in a "Fear of Flying" class. "What is your worst fear?" the instructor asked, and I answered, "That I will finish this course and still be afraid."

really awesome things that i bought/made in california that make me want to go back

2009-11-21T11:43:00.004-06:00

romanticize/idealize/hyperbolize

ALSO>

Narrator:
(So apropos:
Saw death on a sunny snow)

Him:
"For every life..."

Her:
"Forego the parable."

Him:
"Seek the light."

Her:
"...My knees are cold."

(Running home, running home, running home, running home...)

Her:
"Go find another lover;
To bring a... to string along!"

"With all your lies,
You're still very lovable."

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

i love this so much.

crossed fingers

2009-11-20T16:11:00.005-06:00

i think (HOPE) i'm going back to school for art classes in the spring and getting a second part-time job.

and maybe moving forward.

feeling accomplished, that sort of thing.

until very recently, i can't remember ever finishing anything in my life.

which is why i'm knitting a giant blanket.

so i will spend the rest of the afternoon knitting and listening to bon iver on vinyl :o)

radio gaga

2009-11-19T22:45:00.000-06:00

i don't think i'm lucky

2009-11-15T22:08:00.001-06:00

i think maybe once i was able to breathe

to fake a smile

to touch your skin

to open my eyes

and breathe

once i was able to breathe, i was okay

an attempt at something for something

2009-11-14T08:06:00.003-06:00

i don't know.

my body has been killing me.

i have been sitting here staring at the screen and it keeps auto-saving drafts but there is nothing to save.

there is something inside me that needs to come out but it's not coming out through this keyboard. not now and not like this. quite unforch.

this is all literal. there is no challenge.

truth, _____, i love you

2009-11-08T17:55:00.002-06:00

i am

searching

and

i am

losing

and

the nightmares start early

"as for me, all i ever learned from love

was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

but its not a cry that you hear at night

its not some pilgrim who's seen the light

its a cold and its a very broken hallelujah"

single artist movie soundtracks

2009-11-08T17:19:00.002-06:00

I just finished watching Harold and Maude and was inspired to make this list.

Best movie soundtracks by a single artist (some that were written specifically for the film, some not):

Harold and Maude, Cat Stevens

Purple Rain, Prince and the Revolution

The Graduate, Simon and Garfunkel

Once, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (this counts as a single artist since they are The Swell Season now)

I really can't think of any more. I thought this would be an easier list to make. Oops.

weight

2009-11-08T15:40:00.003-06:00

and i ran off

and ran on to something

that i swore was everything

but beautiful

i only say that word for you

only statues

2009-11-07T12:05:00.002-06:00

"...but i didn't want to be either one."

interests part IV

2009-11-07T11:49:00.002-06:00

(from sometime in september)

25. mismatched animal friends

26. tavi

27. imdb-ing people i see at starbucks

28. panera bread's iced green tea

29. searching on amazon.com for weird things like gallons of milk

30. everything lady gaga says/does/wears

31. cookies like these:

in the future, i will always live in the past

every day is day 1

2009-11-05T16:05:00.003-06:00

i don't know,

i think that once you burn your flesh, it will hurt even if it gets a little warm again.

i have no concept of time

i have no desire for survival

inhale,

exhale,

it's all i know.

something to be

2009-11-03T22:12:00.001-06:00

"i'm in love with a girl, you see"

november second

2009-11-02T20:16:00.001-06:00

overwhelmed

underpressure

the season blue remains

2009-11-01T21:37:00.003-06:00

I'm killing myself thinking, I've fallen like the leaves

some things will haunt us forever.

2009-10-29T12:42:00.004-05:00

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

"I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead. The song was my song to my dead babies. For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn't even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried. It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn't sing."

if i am shrinking,

everything else is growing.

i'm working on something.

i always am.

stop staring:

2009-10-23T09:42:00.003-05:00

"give me my robe

put on my crown

i have immortal longings in me"

r e p e a t

2009-10-22T22:19:00.003-05:00

"william plays harmonica and guitar by the side of the sidewalk

i'd love to stay and steal his melody

'cause he hasn't got an answer to force

no one cares about his voice

no, not a choice

sometimes i wish that nobody loved me"

finally

2009-10-22T12:31:00.000-05:00

this time i really have

been gone a long time

a continuation

2009-10-08T18:56:00.002-05:00

in my front yard

gentle giants spin in circles

and misplaced thieves are grown and

flourish among their mazes

in my front yard, there are holes

for us to fall into

but maybe the trees can reach down and pick us up, someday

in my front yard

i have found my tree

in my front yard, the somber souls can float above the grass and

we can create masterpieces with our eyes

the lives can move lazily through each other

and if one of them breaks they are made whole

when they are ready to be made whole again

in my front yard

everything is flavored and colored and bright

and there are trains to take us to our homes

and wolves to guard us from ourselves

in my front yard

we are not real

unless we are

because maybe it's better that way

______

I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE BLACK DRESSES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

chutes and ladders

2009-10-07T18:19:00.005-05:00

my haven

does not think of me

because it can't

i made it up and

it does not exist

i do not exist there

it does not breathe outside of its own walls

for me

anymore

the open jar/

the glass vase/

the fire escape/

i do not feel safe

here's to you

and here's to me

and here's to everything being bigger

or smaller

than it seems.

"this has to be the slowest train that i have ever seen"

2009-10-07T13:29:00.003-05:00

"why i chose to live in a cave"

"why i could never make up my mind"

"why i failed to feel"

"what i could've done differently"

"why i could slip away so easily"

"what makes this so immemorable"

movies

2009-10-05T19:55:00.003-05:00

MOViEs ThAt i liKE BeGinnINg wItH EAch LeTTeR oF tHe AlphABEt ("the" not included)

Alice in Wonderland

Benny and Joon

Clueless

Dead Poets Society***

Edward Scissorhands

Fountain

Gerry

Hook

Iron Giant

Jurassic Park

Koyaanisqatsi

Let the Right One In

Mamma Mia

Nightmare Before Christmas

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Powder

Q - i don't think i like any movies that start with Q

Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Stay

Toy Story

Umberto D

Vanilla Sky

Wedding Singer

Xanadu

Y Tu Mama Tambien

Zodiac

***which i am watching right now/inspired this list

as you can see i have superb taste in movies,

thank you for your time

criminal

2009-10-05T17:35:00.007-05:00

weekend:

"i just watch the tail lights glowing"

iamsolucky.

oaajkdhshahhhh and bansky

2009-10-02T17:39:00.001-05:00

AB LAB kicked my ass and i can barely move.

in less painful news, i have been looking at this....

THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE but it's not here. It's in London:

waiting for

2009-10-01T19:41:00.004-05:00

today i can feel the earth spinning

and to me the words "calm down" mean to shut off

"I'm sorry that the last thing I said to you was interpreted as mean." and he opened his mouth to speak

-The muscles in the back of my throat are tense and I cannot speak. I spend my days wishing I could control my tears.-

but instead just crumbled until all that was left was a pile of dirty clothing beneath my feet.

desert

2009-09-30T13:41:00.005-05:00

here is a picture of me:

here is another picture of me:

here is another one:

me me me me me me me

i have been having nightmares

_________________

"during my worst times

on the park benches

in the jails

or living with

whores

I always had this certain

contentment-

I wouldn't call it

happiness-

it was more of an inner

balance

that settled for

whatever was occuring

and it helped in the

factories

and when relationships

went wrong

with the

girls.

it helped

through the

wars and the

hangovers

the backalley fights

the

hospitals.

to awaken in a cheap room

in a strange city and

pull up the shade-

this was the craziest kind of

contentment

and to walk across the floor

to an old dresser with a

cracked mirror-

see myself, ugly,

grinning at it all.

what matters most is

how well you

walk through the

fire."

i and love and you

2009-09-29T17:51:00.002-05:00

this came on at work this morning and it made making coffee 548 times more enjoyable

ice with no fire

2009-09-29T13:49:00.003-05:00

there is still something

slightly, just barely,

uneasy

SUNDAY MOST FUNDAY

2009-09-27T22:44:00.006-05:00

todayyy

the best day i've had in a long time

I SPENT THE NIGHT IN A CEMETERY

for a bon iver concert. . . . . BESTTT EVER and i cannot think of another band that i would enjoy so much in a cemetery at 5:45 am.

i got there at midnight

they showed bottle rocket and planet earth and i drifted in and out of sleep, huddled under my flannel shirt in the cold california morning until the show started

THEN

i came back to my apt and i went to sleep for real with blankets and pillows

THEN MELROSE FLEA MARKET

which is my favorite thing in los angeles

also i watched matilda

ate at panera bread (iced green tea woowwww)

and bought moccasin boots

sunday is my favorite day.

and this particular sunday was my very favorite.

i'm dying to sleep in a cemetery tonight

2009-09-26T18:27:00.004-05:00

HA GET IT?!

everything that happens

happens tonight

every place i go i take another place with me.

graveyard cupcakes

2009-09-26T15:38:00.003-05:00

your heavy coffin lingers-

surrounded by the growing shapes

that twist and bend and turn but never break

could this be

freedom?

for those of us

who have hated ourselves once

or maybe always

two hundred thats all

2009-09-23T14:36:00.002-05:00

i am no prodigy

i am no miracle

i am not special

i am not ahead of my time

i am not teaching

i am not living

i am not leaving

oh hey

2009-09-20T12:20:00.003-05:00

none of this makes sense lately does itttt

MELROSE FLEA MARKET SUNDAY FUNDAY

++getting over colds = awesome

fall apart for love

2009-09-19T16:41:00.002-05:00

"now we're swimming down

where iron doors are open

and there is too much fear

to breathe"

okay

halfway

2009-09-18T21:58:00.001-05:00

i wish i was performing surgery right now.

i had this thought of pete wentz supporting this soccer team who practiced against polar bears.

iiiiiiii'mmmm sooooo awwwwaaaake

sky blue

2009-09-17T15:54:00.001-05:00

i may or may not have an idea

i used to be talented

"But everyone disappears, no matter who loves them."

laurel canyon

2009-09-15T13:48:00.001-05:00

i thought

i was dreaming

but this was

very real

pinpoint

2009-09-13T22:07:00.000-05:00

this is my favorite part:

the fuckin honor-fuckin-ary fuckin title

2009-09-12T19:15:00.002-05:00

met her at a show

her dress was stained

and her eyes had a glow

been gone a long time

2009-09-11T19:04:00.002-05:00

the situation:

2009-09-09T15:06:00.003-05:00

a memorandum to the drivers in this lovely city of Los Angeles, California:

CLEARLY IF THE LANE IS RIGHT-TURN ONLY THAT DOES NOT MEAN DRIVE TO THE FRONT OF IT AND MERGE INTO THE LEFT LANE SO THE RULE-FOLLOWERS SUCH AS MYSELF HAVE TO WAIT EVEN LONGER

come

2009-09-07T21:28:00.001-05:00

i was never comfortable with holding so much power in my cold hands

we are all the same inside?

sunday funday

2009-09-06T18:16:00.005-05:00

i'd be okay with disappearing i think

there is no apples to apples in my life these days

it doesn't have to be a summary

2009-09-05T17:47:00.002-05:00

we have

expired on christmas since 1999

we are

not 21 anymore

we still

believe in lies for the sake of keeping it simple

we love

and i would never desire simplicity again

one night.

2009-09-05T17:36:00.008-05:00

moved

2009-09-03T21:06:00.001-05:00

and i'll be residing at the whole foods two blocks away from my apartment

i feel that love is easier to describe now

i miss this a lot

2009-09-01T12:27:00.005-05:00

i've considered making this into a FASHION BLOG because well,

i hear its the cool new thing to do

and i am always so up-to-date on the hippest

coolest things

but what i'd really rather do

is post pictures of osiris

write amazing, heartwrenching AND heartwarming poetry

and make lists such as this one:

Things I Don't Like Very Much, Beginning with Each Letter of the Alphabet:

Artificial banana-flavored things like runts and laffy taffy and snow cones

Being out of shape

Crystal meth

Diets and being in the presence of girls who are on them

Empty milk cartons when i haven't even gotten enough for my cereal!

Feeling like i've forgotten something important

Going unfortunately slow uphill in my struggling vehicle

Hurting people's feelings

Internal organs

Jager-bombs

Kendra, the girl on E who laughs after everything she says and who does the ifly thing topless

Living in a frat-house environment lately

Mistreatment of animals

Not being able to fall asleep

Only doing things for the sole purpose of adding to your resume

Parking structures that could collapse at any moment

Quentin Tarantino's in-store event being sold-out at Amoeba

Raising Canes fried chicken

Strip clubs

Temperatures above 100 degrees

Unnecessary competition

Valentine's day

Words that sound like they shouldn't be plural but they are sometimes, like "trashes" and "persons"

X-rays in the middle of the night

Yelling out people's pastry order and they never come to get it, so i eat it because i mean, it's already been paid for, and then they come back hours later and say "where's my ____?" IT'S IN MY STOMACH

Zoophilia

i don't have anything extraordinary

2009-09-01T01:20:00.003-05:00

this is where you'll end up

sometimes it gets worse before it gets better

and i wish our souls would transform sometimes

so we could become each other

i've got big plans

but didn't i say that years ago?

some of this i never wanted documented

but regardless

life is so beautiful these days

have you seen this?

2009-08-30T22:01:00.002-05:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

A CHANGE OF HEART

2009-08-30T13:28:00.004-05:00

THANKS GUYS

"it was cold, but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye."

suddenly it all makes sense.

2009-08-30T11:56:00.004-05:00

you you you you you

how does anything happen?

where is this light coming from. AND WHY CAN'T YOU SEE IT TOO?

soul-searching

selfless love

i would share all of this beauty with you, if i could.

maybe still, you feel helpless and useless and broken.

and you probably don't realize but

the last thing you taught me was:

thank you.

and i plan on this being the last thing i ever say to you:

i am sorry.

(but you are wrong)

where's the stimulation?

2009-08-29T14:00:00.008-05:00

you may stop feeling now

makes sense

2009-08-26T10:41:00.001-05:00

i'd imagine it would be hard to recognize your murderer

infamous

2009-08-25T17:56:00.003-05:00

that was me being shallow and superficial and maybe even artificial

what i meant to say was,

the w was fortunately placed in front of your form

and what i meant to say was,

you may keep me

after all

i hope:

2009-08-25T13:49:00.004-05:00

i am never lying amongst shattered glass with careful strangers surrounding my broken body

ALSO

i always measure the seconds

too slowly or

too quickly but never

just right

the years have been short but the days were long

we are alone

2009-08-23T03:23:00.001-05:00

once these were messages

now they are merely reflections

they are not hopeless

i am

not hopeless

CALIFORNIA

2009-08-21T16:35:00.002-05:00

inspired:

2009-08-19T13:21:00.002-05:00

interests part III:

17. friends in low places

18. wrestling

19. the greatest love story of all time

20. body organ metaphors

21. ocean/sea/waves metaphors (always)

22. songs that reference other songs

23. money management skills

24. not taking anything for granted

sense

2009-08-18T11:58:00.002-05:00

traffic

2009-08-17T22:35:00.003-05:00

i don't

under-

stand some

things some-

times

and i

find my-

self striv-

ing for

something

that does

not ex-

ist

city of angels

2009-08-17T11:47:00.003-05:00

new:

room

city

life

"i always see you looking out your window"

love,

2009-08-16T12:57:00.002-05:00

Just this morning I woke up and wrote

“to continue in this sorrowful world is

the greatest personal triumph

no one ever talks about;”

but what I meant to say was

Be enduring. Dare to endure. Endure.

goddammit

2009-08-15T15:40:00.005-05:00

THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION

(yes, it is)

but not for me

it's not anymore

HA

2009-08-14T20:21:00.000-05:00

NEW FAVORITE BAND

http://www.cracked.com/funny-1677-indie-music/

the one thing that stays mine

2009-08-14T13:48:00.006-05:00

unsettling

2009-08-11T22:01:00.002-05:00

you

are alive

you rely on the

pace of your

self

to distract you from the

fear of others.

the man sitting

next to you:

he feels.

he loves and

he breaks

and

he needs you to know

that he is alive

too.

all the time

2009-08-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

everything is left unfinished

you are waiting.

2009-08-06T10:09:00.002-05:00

or "pangs"

or "would you stay awhile"

or "a short history"

it's the upward

down-

ward

motion

i will be the driver

and the

water

the words

unspoken devotion

AND I,

YEAH I,

didn't really need

touch

at all

this isn't

it either

but it hurts

you

it hurts

you can't

remember

but sometimes i

taste

smell

no not anything

else

i'm so

done-

a mistake

still breathing...........

"and now"

it weighs nothing

a complex feather

i carry

with

always

these new walls are filled with mismatched faces and

ages especially

then suddenly i realize,

i am already

a ghost

a dream to heal all bad things

2009-08-05T13:52:00.002-05:00

i'm here

as a means of becoming better

(an apology)

2009-08-03T15:51:00.001-05:00

"so here I sit

some years have passed
i say i don't but

i miss her bad
i smell her in my sheets you see
like she's sleeping next to me
she'll say
jack,

i'm leaving now
don't you wait up for me
cause better love i'm yet to see"

"and you wanted

better love

well it's sleeping in your bedroom"

FIT AUGGIE

2009-08-01T21:08:00.002-05:00

because you're empty and i'm empty

(i am a machine)

i am reconciled by the soft>> i am still so good

I love you. Please come back.

I'm not coming back.

FIT AUGGIE

they call them rogues

2009-07-29T16:51:00.004-05:00

i hate the feeling of metal scraping against concrete,

but i don't mind feeling alone

::::keeping to myself is the only thing i've ever known::::

i struggle with your pronouns

(and i hoped you would have noticed)

shiny fingers

2009-07-28T10:38:00.003-05:00

and if she seems as lonely as me,

let

her

i always thought that was you.

2009-07-27T23:36:00.004-05:00

if i ever need to believe in a lie i know where to go.

it's a comfort that my life(less body) has come to rely on---

and it's what i don't understand that simultaneously breaks me and makes me whole.

there are dreams that will never come true.

i'm waiting for this urge to dissolve completely. i won't be able to see it, then.

i won't be able to sleep.

but just as much as i wouldn't DARE ask... you will never know, either.

stop, just stop.

Think I might have only cried just once.

2009-07-27T22:44:00.002-05:00

i've learned the broken mirrors will always find each other.

and, candy shop smiles will shine forever.

silk will crack.

love will survive.

i'm not your star

2009-07-25T08:58:00.004-05:00

and i pretend that i'm not coming home

it's funny, these answers are all that i need

no that isn't all

2009-07-19T14:03:00.005-05:00

i didn't know leaving was an option, like the bomb to follow would be the only dry sound

"have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it"

hope can be lost. this is a process incomplete.

miles of my love

tearrrr through the streets.

this cannot be measured. this cannot be allowed aloud. see?

i would never choose a more important message.

23

2009-07-17T18:01:00.004-05:00

i felt for sure last night

at once we said goodbye

no one else will know these lonely dreams

no one else will know that part of me

i'm still driving away

and i'm sorry every day

i wont always love these selfish things

i wont always live not stopping

it was my turn to decide

i knew this was our time

no one else will have me like you do

no one else will have me, only you

you'll sit alone forever

if you wait for the right time

what are you hoping for?

i'm here and now i'm ready

holding on tight

don't give away the end

the one thing that stays mine

amazing still it seems

i'll be 23

i wont always love what i'll never have

i wont always live in my regrets

you'll sit alone forever

if you wait for the right time

what are you hoping for?

i'm here and now i'm ready

holding on tight

don't give away the end

the one thing that stays mine

this song has meant a lot of things to me over the years.
and now, finally (forever) it means one more.

everything and nothing is hard to believe.

blue blue windows

2009-07-15T19:37:00.003-05:00

i didn't KNOW it was possible to see each individual blade of grass.

EVERYONE IS JUST SO ATTRACTIVE.

we're all looking for a way to cope. that's all.